Pentecostal Pastors who are gay. Part Four. Roberts Liardon

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Voices in my head

The more I try the more the voices torment me ,Frustration and regret, maybe if only I had done that instead of this things could be better’

How could I not see this coming ,what blinded me ?How could she betray me like this ,and how was I supposed to tell the story ?

Her Mother came to my parent’s house suggesting that I marry her to resolve the issue ,my Father thought it was a good idea but I kept asking myself ‘ was this how I was supposed to marry ,is marriage supposed to be like a business deal? Marrying someone for fear of harsh punishment was not my style and I was not ready to give in ,just couldn’t give in .

Couldn’t face my friends ,I felt so alone ,my heart yearning for help ,she maintained her distance from me . Everything had come to a complete stop so much for love I thought ‘ ,My lawyer was the only friend I had in this situation I thought

As she and her cousin had already lodged a complaint against me at the police ,spend 4 days in the police cell and had been granted bail at the court .My parents did not attend the court hearing I was all by myself with the lawyer ,he had assisted me with the bail application and he had agreed to pay on my behalf and I was to give him his money back once outside.

I am all alone on this path I thought , what was I to do ? ,as much as the lawyer was good to me I couldn’t risk it all by living a life of going to court frequently, my next court hearing has been set ,in the next 3 months I will be in court again

God help me , you promised to fight all my battles ,I prayed silently . I need you in my life now more than ever Jesus ,at least if I am to marry I had to do it right not under these circumstances,Confuse my enemies LORD,let their plans come to ruin , Equip me with wisdom to be victorious in this situation ,’ I kept on praying

For almost 3 days I was not going to work ,how am I to tell my supervisor that I was arrested , I can’t tell him the whole story ,so what must I tell him ? I have to explain why I was absent from work

Felt awkward the world was laughing at me .Was God punishing me for my evil deeds ,and if he was what deeds exactly . Should I just run away and leave everything behind , the taxi driver was driving too fast I was not ready to face anyone .

My head was about to explode , how was I to marry someone I didn’t love and besides love she had me arrested how was I to live with her ?

Identity Crisis

Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:26‭-‬28 NKJV

Who are you ??? Who am I ???who are they???

I have always been baffled when people always say you are not yet what you are meant to be..What exactly am I meant to be???

Job descriptions really mean nothing in a family set up ..at home men become fathers , women Mothers etc daughter or son..be in car you are a passenger or a driver …in a church you are a Pastor or the audience

So what really is it in a name that it changes everything on what is expected of you???

What really is the wisdom behind a name… Colonizers had to give names to people they were colonizing being an African myself I know we were called negroes and were forced to call them masters or boss a culture still evident in Africa of calling whites ‘boss’ or ‘madam’ ,to maintain an identity they had to force an identity to the weak Ohhh ,the violent taketh it by force ..an idea of forced identity and beliefs but they failed at it too you can’t force someone to agree to a certain identity forever isn’t it ?No wonder God never imposed an identity to someone he always gave options do this you belong do that I don’t recognise you…!!!

I am not being Political here I really don’t understand politics anywhere ,but still I needed to know if they was a name I could use wherever I am ,so my actions could be adjusted to such a name ,,A name practical in all situations that is .Is there such a name??A name with which everything there is in life it will be at my disposal..As I mentioned you can be referred to as a doctor at your workplace but that identity is solely practical there , being a doctor or whatever job description you the tricks of the trade can’t guarantee a strong marriage or inheritance to your kids isn’t it ,So what identity really is worthwhile??

In my culture ,we refer to people according to their totems,,my ancestors since they were hunters they had to name themselves after certain animals ,e.g lion thus group themselves sharpen their skills as a group trying to use the skills of that specific animal in their hunting.So much in a name isn’t it ! I am a lion I react to such situations in a lionish manner thus idolizing a lion in the process ,well it worked for them only problem being when real crisis hit they consulted ancestors because believe it or not to understand a name you have to ask whoever gave you that identity in the first place. So still questions still kept on bombarding me ,what is it with an identity ,what exactly is the secret ?

As Africans we know curses are real…if I want to curse I mention certain names I call you names ,we know and believe that uttered words really do materialize if you don’t take action…so names bring bad omens Mmmmm.So much for names isn’t it .There was a time in the Bible ‘ Jesus asked his disciples who do people think I am ,disciples answered enthusiastically as expected but he went on to ask them but who do you think I am???Infact it is a good practice to know what people around you identify you with isn’t it? But why bother I should ask ,is it to confirm your beliefs or work with reality I also don’t know you can help me on that one!! Cursing involves calling someone a failure at something till they believe it,I have always emphasized the importance of who you give Power to utter words in your life ,what are they calling you ? Is what they are calling you consistent with your purpose Mmmm ? When they give you such an identity what do you feel ? You tell me!!

God called the first man ‘Adam’ meaning ‘ the ground or the earth’ and he gave to Adam a woman he referred to as Eve. (Eve” in Hebrew is “Ḥawwāh” and is most commonly believed to mean “living one” or “source of life” as it is phonetically similar to “ḥāyâ”, “to live”, from the Semitic root ḥyw)***extracted from Wikipedia)

So God in uniting Eve to Adam he was uniting the Earth to the source of life or living one.. God had breathed life to Adam , Adam was already a living being but he needed to be married to Eve ..for God’s engineering to be complete ..stay with me …

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7 NKJV

And the Lord God said, “ It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name. So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.”
Genesis 2:18‭-‬23 NKJV

Adam need a partner comparable to him in the dominion of everything God has created ,creeping stuff ,animal and every other living thing… interesting stuff isn’t it

The ground and the source of life have been joined and blessed to be fruitful,to replenish the earth,fill the earth and subdue the earth…

It gets confusing right . Chapter 1 of Genesis talks about God creating man and chapter 2 talks about God forming a man…so eventually it means creation and forming has to mean different things …it goes on and on..

God himself here is the one commanding Adam and Eve on their duties …And we have learnt how God made Adam in his own image and likeness …thus Adam had some characteristics of God .God blessed Adam and Eve

Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion .”
Genesis 1:28 NKJV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Genesis 2:24‭-‬25 NKJV

Ground and the living one are designed to always be together ,a human being can’t be without the living spirit that’s God’s engineering.. wherever you go in different cultures there is a need for worshipping a living being because man in all his advancement in technology still they can’t live a fulfilling live without a living Spirit or Worshipping a higher being..God breathed his Spirit to Adam and to Eve he took a rib from Adam in his slumber the two combined are to be a force to be reckoned with . Tinashe you might ask what has this to do with an identity crisis?

Then came Satan with his cunning plan attacking the woman

Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”
Genesis 3:1 NKJV.

That’s the part which becomes so confusing …Satan came with a question first ‘ Did God really say?’ such a question on its own can make you think this guy I am talking to knows this place better than me isn’t it ?There is always a difference in self inflicting doubt and a doubt imposed certain questions people impose on us e.g ,Are you really really sure he said that to you? Did he really say that to you ,are you sure?

Are you sure God said that ??? with that question the man’s original identity was being questioned. His understanding of what God said was being under scrutiny!,why is this serpent asking if we heard God correctly?? Does it mean he heard what God said and we didn’t understand or does it mean he knows God better than us???With what capacity is this individual questioning my understanding capability?Is my hearing at fault here ? Was he present when I was told this things?If my understanding was wrong what should I do ,my identity is questioned here ,we are God’s favourite design this tree is not meant to be food to us?,Yes we are different but am I sure I heard correctly?

We all know what happened afterwards …Self doubt on its own can change an individual’s identity .Adam and Eve’s hearing (understanding ) capacity was in question here ,Mmmm

Are you sure you want to do this ?but do you know you can be this if you don’t do that??Who told you this route you are taking is exactly what is intended of you??Are you happy ?but do you know?? So much of these questions with only one intention changing your identity..

God created Adam and Eve to identify with him and identifying with him could only be through obedience to what he told them,is it a coincidence that there is a statement that ‘you become who you listen to’ lately there is a new twist to it ‘you become who you spent your time with’

Adam and Eve are designed to have dominion over creeping stuff and any other living animal but here Eve is being asked questions by a serpent if they really heard God correctly absurd isn’t it?God is my partner he told me exactly what I just told you ,are you really saying you know God better than I do ? ,Eve in decision making to Eve her husband could talk to God face to face and to her Adam was an open book there was no way this important information could have skipped her,or was Adam hiding some vital information ,if so to what end? Was it to keep Eve under Adam’s clutches ,but why would Adam want to keep me in the dark is he this cunning?

Are you sure the Bible said no weapon formed against you will prosper?? Did he really meant that this situation you are facing it won’t get you down ? Did I here God correctly?Is my current situation under his control ?,but if it is under his control then why?I am not supposed to be at the receiving end ,I am designed for dominion ,so what the heck is happening ,am I missing something here?Why do I seem so lost ,I just can’t recognise myself anymore ,what is happening with my life?Or did God betray me ,but how could he ,I trust my listening capacity I heard him right so what exactly is going on here?

We face these questions daily ,the Devil used another tactic in his questioning

Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
Genesis 3:4‭-‬5 NKJV

What ?so now in Eve’s mind she sees God as a being which want to keep her under him always lol so much for ambitions Eve now has a new goal to be like God..to know good and Evil.

But isn’t it God has designed Adam and Eve in his image and has equipped them with dominion and blessing to be fruitful and to replenish the earth ,what exactly is happening here ,so in Eve’s mind knowing good and evil is better than the Blessing God gave them , Serpent has mentioned that her eyes will be opened so what exactly does she want to see??Eve has been seeing good all this time so now why is she interested in seeing evil?Is it because she wants to compare good and evil ,too tired of seeing good always in her life that evil is so enticing?

Maintaining an identity is quite a difficult thing I must admit ,so many people have resorted to playing different roles in a day thereby ending up confused on the role playing that they end up feeling empty ..Role playing leaves a void in our souls which only God can fill ,so why is Satan mainly worried in attacking our identity??Role playing is not the solution knowing who you are is the answer faking an identity leaves you feeling empty in the process,!!!

Your identity is your power ,who you identify with determines your outlook in life…Some men lately are choosing to be referred to as women and certain women choosing to be referred to as men….with the other group so confused that they chose to stay in the middle (gays , lesbians and some who want to enjoy both being male and female ) Identity isn’t it but why so much confusion ??😂😂😂

Why has the definition of a real man been evolving over the years ? The Devil is at work the serpent isn’t resting he used the same trick with Eve , Friend true wisdom is in knowing God ,what he wants and living accordingly to his statutes…

In churches today God’s commandments are never mentioned for fear the church will be empty..Churches have become more concerned in having large congregations than in having true followers of Christ…but why ?? Was it Jesus plan that churches should be identified by how many people their buildings can accommodate ? I am not against churches with large congregants but is it numbers we should be worried about or true followers…Jesus had twelve disciples and twelve disciples changed the world except for Judas ..well Paul replaced him

Lately a successful church is measured by how many people a building can accommodate and Pastors are measured by their lifestyles cars they drive and how many millions they have in their accounts ,so much in an identity huh!

Are we really following Jesus’s instructions for discipleship? Satan once instructed Jesus to worship him so he ‘Jesus’ can gain the world ohhh ..still the Same trick Satan talking as if he knows God better than Jesus but Jesus answered back and said I am only allowed to bow down only to God

Who are you bowing to ?who is your master?What does your lifestyle say about your master ? Your lifestyle i.e your identity shows who you are serving

Adam was to identify with God by not touching that tree,do not touch do not eat very simple isn’t it ?what is that thing that cements your identity with God.

God is a covenant God ,a condition God he loves everyone but to show you love him there is a part you have to play.Abraham knew the importance of covenants , the effects of which can alter an identity..a blessing and a curse are the most powerful thing with the ability to change your identity.

Now it makes sense isn’t it ..Satan is always on a rampage to ensure that our actions bring curses to our lives ,he is always questioning what God said,lately some educated people are starting to doubt God the being…Doubt God then all his words don’t mean a thing perfect plan isn’t it .

Doubt God’s words and his authority you are ruined, your identity changes from being God’s own to Satan’s disciple.

Your identity is something you must guard with your life. God is still speaking , all the words he spoke are still valid we need to be vigilant now more than ever. Why identity with idols ,why identify with Satan my friend God loved before you were born ,you are his creation then why do you keep doubting his word??

Resist the devil and he will flee ohh yes resist pride you will live ,resist any contrary gospel and you are safe . Bow down to no man stop worshipping human beings .Serve God alone dominion is guaranteed Amen

Refuse to let the devil tarnish your identity. The only individual who knows what you are designed to do is God and not anyone else. Times like these call for knowledge and wisdom in the things of God.Refuse to be enslaved by certain individuals in their doctrines and false teachings .Refuse to be unequally yoked Ahh the list goes on

Soldier on

But all I want to do is to remind you that you need to ensure that your identity is not tainted with the world.You are the salt of the earth once you loose taste you become useless,Dominion is yours it’s your birthright so you don’t have to contradict your position in Christ by listening to negative voices. Integrity questioned is integrity destroyed ,stay focused on this journey only the strong can make it ,You are a strong warrior ,strong warriors don’t have time to answer to mediocrity. I am designed for a purpose come what may it is my duty to achieve my purpose

Difficult as it my seem as long as Jehovah is with me ,I am unstoppable . I don’t have time to answer to anyone on my progress ,I am an ambassador I will soldier on till the results are eminent.I won’t labour in vain No ,no ,no it’s against the principles my father told victory is certain here ,I can feel it,I am shutting down all negative forces in my life,In my environment negativity has no place to stay ..as an ambassador I won’t project anything other than God in my life in any situation. Dominion is eminent ,victory is assured ,The word impossible doesn’t appear in our dictionary ,so whoever you are identifying me with failure in my life you are fired.. You don’t have power and authority to dictate how my life should me ,I thank God for this wisdom that he is always fighting in my favour . I fear no one their words won’t stop me . Mediocrity is not my portion Hallelujah

Soldier on

Shalom

Study hard

Soldier on

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